Ms. Schultz's growth spurt was in the 1990s. Mine was in the 1980s, which makes sense--I'm older than she is by about that much.
In the 80s, like a lot of other women I knew, I had it all. That was a big thing then--having it all. We could do it, we were assured--we could take care of our families, our husbands, our houses, our jobs, and ourselves. And that's exactly what we did. But we paid a price.
Those of us who worked outside the home were still catching heat for destroying the American lifestyle. Many men resented us for taking jobs that had always been theirs. Many women who chose or were able to not have outside employment looked down on those of us who couldn't always be room mothers, whose kids went to daycare, and whose husbands couldn't quite be the center of our lives because it was too crowded in there.
Some of us who bought into having it all rolled our eyes at mothers whose houses were always neat and clean and welcoming at any time. We stiffened with resentment at any indication they loved their families more than we did because there were always there for them. We made snide comments about narrow minds and narrow lives.
My mother was one of the generation of women before us who disapproved of many of the changes that were taking place. Although she supported my choices and those of my sister and sisters-in-law--sort of--she disliked them, too. Our priorities didn't mesh with hers.
Our family survived the "having it all" decade. I think we even thrived, but if you asked my kids, I'm not sure how they'd answer--it probably didn't always feel like thriving to them. If you asked my husband, I'm not sure what he'd say, either. I think the kids would have liked more patience and better attention and Duane would have liked a cleaner house and better cooking.
In retrospect, I failed a lot. I'm sorry for it, but I'm not sure how I'd fix it if I had the opportunity. I believe that you don't fail if you don't try first, but I still wish I'd been better at some of the parts of that all I had.
All of our "growth spurts" have resulted in gains...and losses, haven't they? Over 100 years ago, women got the vote because of them. In the 1970s, we became entitled, albeit shakily, to have credit ratings and to borrow money on our own. When I went work at the post office in 1981, I was paid the same hourly wage as the men I worked with. We were that generation's version of woke, and the growing pains were intense.
Growing spurts--and pains--are almost always intense. And, usually, they're worth it.
Have a good week. Be nice to somebody.
Excellent article today, Liz, and yes to all of it. Even though I was a stay-at-home mom for many years before going to work part-time when Son was 11, I hope I matured and respected those women who had to or chose to take a different path. I did have it all--I still do in so many ways and it hurts my heart to see people today who want to take away all the gains women have made. Thanks for your good words, as always! Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI think I spent way too much time on the defensive when I was young, and I wasn't the only one. When we should have been supporting each other, we often weren't. Thanks, Nan!
DeleteThis is EXCELLENT! Thanks so much for putting into words what I have often thought!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cathy!
DeleteMy mother went back to work in the 1980s as well, but she chose to do it in the local school system. Those were jobs that were "acceptable" for women then, but the real reasons she did it were that she didn't drive and could walk to work at the nearby school, and that she had the same breaks-and-summer schedule as her two early-teen sons. My parents weren't trying to have it all -- they were just trying to make sure the bills got paid! Dad worked in manufacturing in northern Indiana and that line of work was in decline then. He had a couple stretches of unemployment.
ReplyDeleteI don't think any of us were trying to have it all--that was just the way things were. I liked a lot about the 80s, though, seeing women (and being one) who came out of that "acceptable" thing.
DeleteThis is right on. I was a single mother in the 80's of two little girls. I was in Texas when I divorced, and I chose to come home. I was too independent to listen to the advice of my mother, who was a single mother herself. I was one of the 'I know what I'm doing' women, who truly just do the best they can. Terrified, but adamant in my ways, I went back to Texas after six months. It was then that I learned and understood women who have to work versus women who chose to stay home. Both have had equal pros and cons on our children's generation. But like it or not, I believe divorce grew in those two generations and created 'latch-key kids', without meaning to. That's where your title is also right on. Room to grow!
ReplyDeleteI think divorce grew, too, but I believe much of that was because--apologies for a sexist comment here--a lot of women reached the "we're not gonna take it" point. That's way too simple of an explanation, but I do think that had something to do with the statistical changes.
DeleteGreat food for thought, Liz. I think I handled it earlier in life by simply not trying to have it all (read: not cooking or cleaning well) and sporting a "you got a problem with that?" attitude when I thought other women were judging me. The irony is that there probably was a lot less judging going on than we thought. We were -- and are -- all just doing our best. Fortunately, I have a very supportive hubby who doesn't really care much about cooking or cleaning either! For the latter, once we had kids, we hired a service.
ReplyDeleteI admit that I did try. I'll also admit that (at the time) it seemed as if everyone accomplished it but me. I think you're right about the judging, though, and if there WAS judging, I was undoubtedly as guilty of it as anyone else.
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