The Act of Caring by Debby Myers

Dorothy and Alan Myers

Added Sunday, September 11 - Dorothy Pearl Owens Myers passed peacefully in her sleep at 9:01 PM on September 10. Alan was holding her hand. May she rest in peace and  joy.

Before I begin, I want to assure you that what I’d like to share is with the encouragement of my husband. Also know that I am, in no way, making light of what is happening right before his eyes. His mama is suffering from dementia, and she is dying.

For the last three years, Alan has been taking care of Dorothy at her home. It takes a special person to do this. Helping a parent isn’t easy, but being able to give back has many rewards. It stems from a promise he made her years ago during a conversation about dying. She said she wanted no artificial means to keep her alive, she appointed him her power of attorney, and said she would plan her own funeral. And last, she wanted to die at home if at all possible, without being a burden.

That is what Alan is giving her. Dorothy became homebound when she returned from their winter home in Florida with a virus that had nearly taken her life in March 2019. She’s on oxygen for COPD, making her high risk. Dorothy is a self-described tough farm girl. And she is right! In three years, she’s survived a heart virus that weakened her heart, a broken shoulder, Covid 19, and a broken hip, as well as a number of episodes of anxiety. Yes, Dorothy is one tough cookie!

I wanted to give you some background before getting into the meat of this message. A son, youngest child of four, on disability for his back, and my husband – has become his mama’s full-time caregiver. Yes, full-time, for 2 ½ years now. He has a few women, including his niece, who help him out, but make no mistake, even then he is watching on the camera in her room.

We want to share things Dorothy says to Alan that he says keep him sane, make him smile and giggle. But Dorothy says other things making him sympathetic to her declining health and dementia. Here are a few of those exchanges.

D: “Hey, where’s the man that feeds me?”

A: “Mom, that’s me.”

D: “No, not you. I want to see that man who feeds me.”


D: “I’m hungry.”

A: “Mom, you finished your lunch fifteen minutes ago.”

D: “No, I didn’t. I’m hungry.”

A: “OK, let’s eat!”


D: “Where’s my mom? I want to talk to my mom.”

A: “Mama, remember your mom went to heaven a long time ago.”

D: “Please, can I talk to my mom?” (then she cries)


D: “Am I old?”

A: “No, Mama, you’re only as old as you feel.”

D: “I must be, because you said I was.”
 

D: “Where is this?”

A: “What do you mean?”

D: “Why won’t you take me home? I want to go home.”

A: “You are home. This is your home. You’re here with me, and you’re safe.”

D: “You don’t understand.”


D: “Go tell your dad.”

A: “Tell him what, Mama? Remember Dad is gone. He died a few years ago.”

D: (Long pause) “Oh, but I just saw him.”


D: “Why won’t you give me my purse? No one will give me my purse!” (angry)

A: “I’ll get your purse. Why do you want your purse?”

D: “I have to get stuff out. My stuff.”


D: “Where’s my car?”

A: “Remember, we sold your car a while back.”

D: “I want it back! I’m going to go get it. I have somewhere to go.”

I am there visiting. Alan asks both of us if we want ice cream. Dorothy says yes, but I decline. He brings the ice cream.

D: “Why didn’t you get her ice cream?”

Me: “It’s OK. I didn’t want any.”

A few minutes later after Alan leaves the room. Dorothy motions me closer and whispers.

D: “I don’t know why he didn’t get you any. Would you like for me to go get it?”

Alan brings in her food tray for dinner.

A: “Sit up, mama. (joking with her) Get a little exercise.”

Dorothy sits up and starts waving her arms in the air like a conductor.

        A: “Mom, see the hummingbird outside at your feeder?”

Without even looking toward the window, she points up toward the ceiling.

A: “No, Mama, over here, outside. Can you see them?”

D: “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask them?”

A: “Ask who?”

D: “Them. They will know.”

She’s pointing at the TV. Andy Griffith is on.

A: “What’s wrong, mama? Why are you crying?”

D: “I am ready. Why doesn’t he take me?” Pointing upward.

A: “I don’t know. He must have more for you to do first.”

D: “I don’t want to do anything else. I’m tired. I want to go be with Jesus now.”

Recently, I took my 6-year-old grandson, Jameson, to visit. Jameson was gentle and sweet with her. He told her things about himself, asked her questions, showed her pictures on his tablet, and took a picture of her to keep. After he left, he told me he was going to take care of his mom when she was old, like Papaw does.

D: “Where did that boy go?”

A: “His daddy picked him up.”

D: “I wanted him to stay. (smiling) He is a good boy.”

D: “I want to get away from here! I want to go home, but not this home. I want to get a sandwich from that old restaurant.”

A: “Mama, you can’t drive. And you need to stay here where you are safe and loved.”

D: “What if I have Dad take me? We can visit Etta May.” (she has been her best friend for many, many years)

D: “I’m getting up. I’m walking right out of here.”

A: “Where do you want to go?”

D: “I’m going to get my car. I want to drive to my mom’s.”

While there is both humor and sadness in each of these, Alan says it’s how he makes it through the day. Dorothy does have occasional moments she is lucid.

Dorothy Myers and friend

Alan is amazed when he turns on hymns for her or the church service. She sings along loudly and knows all the words, even though when she speaks, she can’t finish a sentence. Dorothy is 87 and a woman of faith. I wonder myself why God hasn’t taken her. Why does she have to live through mental anguish, breathing treatments and now dementia? But we don’t get to know, only he does.

Please keep Dorothy in your prayers. And don’t forget Alan. And he’d tell you not to forget me. Although I have sacrificed time with him, I am filled with overwhelming pride for what he’s doing and how he’s doing it. It fills my heart with love watching him with her. Like I said at the beginning, it takes a special person to do this. If you are someone caring for a parent at home, praise to you too.